StartseiteArchivNutworks #4

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***                           NutWorks                              ***
***                          ----------                             ***
***           The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which is               ***
***               an Equal Opportunity Offender.                    ***
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***                                                                 ***
***          April, 1985. Issue004, (Volume I, Number 4).           ***
*** NutWorks is published monthly.  Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE)  ***
*** virtual Editor and Publisher.                                   ***
***                                                                 ***
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    And Now, Another Stirring Selection from Our Editorial Backlog.
 
   Well,  this is  the final issue of Volume One  of NutWorks Magazine.
We hope  to resume publication  in the fall,   but for the  time being,
there will be summer issues.  Surely,  this will cause  an uproar
among the readers of this wondrous journal,  but NutWorks magazine will
take no responsibility for any damage done  as a result of rioting,  or
any other violent action.
 
   Have yourselves a merry little summer....  Brent
 
                         =====================
 
                           Chemical Analysis
                           -----------------
Element    : Woman
Symbol     : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes
                        ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60
                        have been identified.
Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
            energetic singlet state.  Surplus quantities in all urban
            areas.
Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
                      absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments no-
                      tice.  Totally unpredictable.  Melts when
                      properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
                      Found in various states, ranging from virgin
                      metal to common ore.  Non-magnetic but attracted
                      by coins and sport cars.  In its natural shape
                      the specimen varys considerably, but it is
                      often changed artificially so well that the
                      change is indiscernable except to the experienced
                      eye.
Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially
                      in the crystaline form.  May give violent reaction
                      if left alone.  Will absorb great amounts of food
                      matter.  Highly desired reaction is initiated
                      with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
                      sexy aftershave lotions.  An essential catalyst
                      is often required (must say you love her at least
                      five times daily).  Reaction accelerates out of
                      control when in the dark and all reaction
                      conditions are suitable.  Extremely difficult to
                      react if in the highly stable pure form.
                      Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
                      The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses : Highly ornamental.  Used as a tonic for low spirits.  Used
       on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
        state.  Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.
Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
          highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must
          be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
          It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,
          though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
                         =====================
 
                     PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE
              (With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX)
 
Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been
         fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care.
 
   Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we
built it,  and we use it more than  you do.  If there are some features
you think might  be missing,  if the  system isn't as effective  as you
think it could be, TOUGH!  Give it back, we don't need you.  See figure
1.
   Forget about your silly  problem,  let's take a look at  some of the
features of the operating system.
   1) Options.  We've got lots of them.  So many in fact, that you need
two strong people  to carry the documentation around.  So  many that it
will be a cold day in Hell before  half of them are used.  So many that
you are probably not going to do your work right anyway.  However,  the
number of  options isn't  all that important,   because we  picked some
interesting values for the options and called them...
   2)  Defaults.  We put  a lot of thought into our  defaults.  We like
them.  If we didn't, we would have made something else the default.  So
keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch.  Consider
them mandatory.   "Mandatory defaults" has a  nice ring to it.   If you
change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1.
   3)  Language Processors.  They work just fine.  They take in source,
and often produce object  files as a reward for your  efforts.  You can
even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use
the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to
the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like
we do. They said, "See figure 1."
   4)  Debuggers.  We've got debuggers,  one we support and one we use.
You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't
want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure
1.
   5) Error Logging.  Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer?  You don't
want to give us the machine to  get the problem fixed,  and we probably
can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00
or 9:30  and 10:30 or  11:30 and 13:30 or  14:30 and 15:30  don't waste
your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1.
   6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like
it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact
we're so happy with it,  we designed  it once for each of our operating
systems.  We even try to keep it the same from release to release,  but
sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1.
   7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a
good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70
tasks,  no problem,  just make them  all priority 1.  Anyway,  realtime
isn't important like it used to be,  we changed our group's name to get
rid of the  word realtime,  and we  told all our realtime  users to see
figure 1 a long time ago.
   In conclusion,  stuff  your PSR.  Love our system or  leave it,  but
don't complain!
                      Figure 1.
           +------------------------------+
           |                              |
           |              _               |
           |             ( )              |
           |             | |              |
           |             | |              |
           |          .-.| |.-.           |
           |        .-|       |.-.        |
           |        | |          ;        |
           |        \           ;         |
           |         \         ;          |
           |          |       :           |
           |          |       |           |
           |          |       |           |
           |                              |
           +------------------------------+
 
                         =====================
 
                     CMS-Release Theatre Presents:
                  The Rhyme of the Ancient Consultant
 
   The heart-warming tale of a day in the life of one of our most
colorful characters, the user-consultant.
 
SITUATION:  System Crash
(As result of user-outcry, consultant calls up the operator.)
PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
(For the sake of time, we'll assume the subsequent ten or twenty rings
as taken.)
OPERATOR: (annoyance is prevelant vocal feature) Operations...
          (Operations people say nearly everything with trailing
          elipses...)
CONSULTANT:  Yes, this is the student consultant.  We're down. Could
             you bring up our cluster?
Op:  Just a moment please.  Let me check to see if you're really down.
    (It is invariably assumed that the complainer is mistaken.)
    Sorry, but you're not down.  You sure it isn't something else?
C:  Well, i'm pretty sure.  All 30 of our terminal screens went blank at
    the same time....and there are a bunch of irate users here that are
    holding me personally responsible.  Gee.  I'd really appreciate it
    if you could bring the cluster up.
O:  Well.  It sure sounds like a crash. (Short pause)  There.  Now
    you're up.
C:  Thanks.  Ummmm... one small problem...
O:  (Blatantly irked, but appearing concerned)  Yes...?
C:  ...we're not up.
O:  Hmmmm... How strange...  There, you should be up now...
C:  Nope.  Not yet.  Ya wanna' try and hurry...ummm  it's getting kinda'
    unpleasant at this end.
    (Please Note, Dear Reader:  This situation commonly occurs the last
     two weeks of every quarter when every computer class has an
     assignment due....the people are getting desperate and mad and
     are looking for a throat to slit.)
USER1:  I have an assignment due tomorrow!!!  Get this system up!!!!
USER2:  That's nothing!  I have one due in 2 hours!!!  Why does this
        always happen.  Computer service people are incompetent.
(No Mr. User, YOU are incompetent, but we'd never think of letting
 YOU in on the joke...)
C:  (Not intending to sound critical or sarcastic)  Well, perhaps next
    time you won't let your assignment go till the last minute.
USER2:  (Misinterpreting the consultants remarks as being critical and
        sarcastic) OH YEA?!?!?  Well I couldn't work on my program
        the last 4 weeks for some GOOD reasons!!!!  First my goldfish
        died!  Yeah, that's it...Then my pet wombat choked on jello!
        Then...
        (Proceeds to relate details of life during last four weeks.
        Consultant feigns both interest and sympathy.)
C:  Ummmm, gee.  That's too bad.  Sorry to hear it.
USER3:  I think the consultant had something to do with it!!!
USER2:  YA!  The consultant did this!!!!  He made the system crash!!!
USER1:  KILL THE CONSULTANT!!!!!!
USER2:  Ya!  USER1 is right.  Let's kill him!!!!!
Meanwhile, back at operations,  reclining chairs move slowly upright
and recovery is in the making.
      (The lynch mob approaches the consultant.......suddenly....)
O:  There.  You're back up now.
   (Consultant relays the message to the users, who are now happy)
USER1:  Three cheers for the consultant!!!
ALL:  Hip hip HURRAY!  Hip hip HURRAY!  Hip hip HURRAY!
USER2:  Oh Mr. Consultant, we ARE sorry.
C:  That's ok.  Now go try to get back what you were working on...
    The system will save your programs for 15 minutes after a crash.
USER2:  Great!  How long has the system been down?
    (Consultant looks at his watch.  YIPES!!  16 minutes!!  He panics
    and must now do something to save his life...)
USER2:  Well?  How long has the system been down?
C:  Ummmmmm, 14 minutes.  Your programs should still be there.
    Unless the evil operator deleted them out of spite.  He's up
    at the computer center.
USER1:  HEY!!!!  My program is gone!
C:  Wow!  That was a dirty trick he played on you poor users.  If I
    were you, I would...
USER2:  KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!
C:  YA!!!!  Go get him!!!!!!!
ALL:  KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!!!  KILL!  KILL!  KILL!
                                The End
                         =====================
 
        An optimist is a programmer who writes code using ink.
 
                         =====================
 
                          the perfect program
                          --- ------- -------
"no program's that perfect"
they said with a shrug.
"the client is happy--
what's one little bug?"
 
but he was determined
the others went home
he dug out the flow chart
deserted. alone.
 
night passed into morning
the room was quite littered
with core dumps and punch cards.
"i'm closer." he tittered.
 
chain smoking, cold coffee.
logic, deduction.
"i've got it!" he cried.
just change one instruction.
 
then change two, then three more
as year followed year.
and strangers would comment
"is that guy still here?"
 
he died at the console
of hunger and thirst
next day he was buried
face down, nine edge first.
 
(for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards,
"face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader)
 
                         =====================
 
                       Ravin'    by Laverne Ruby
                       ------    -- ------- ----
 
Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore,
As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring,
As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four.
"'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core --
                                      Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling
And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow
From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore--
Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore,
                                      Nameless here forevermore.
Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready"
Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before;
And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding
"'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
                                      It is this, and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker,
And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door.
Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity,
Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore,
For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore--
                                      Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing,
Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before;
But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED),
This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED),
                                      Merely this, and nothing more,
Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding,
Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck,
Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore--
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore--
                                      'Tis the cards, and nothing more!"
Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting,
Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before;
Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I,
Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more.
But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core,
                                      Blinked, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling.
Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore;
"Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter,
Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore.
Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!"
                                      Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption,
Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore;
For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective,
Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore.
Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor,
                                      Say such a word as "Nevermore?"
But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only
That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score;
Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten,
'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before--
On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before."
                                      Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Then methought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy,
Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore,
"Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee!
After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four!
Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!"
                                      Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Monster!" said I,"Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil!
By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor!
Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled.
What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor!
Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!"
                                      Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely.
"May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore."
While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking,
For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door.
"I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore.
                                      Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping,
In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core.
And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming,
And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor--
And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor,
                                      Shall be lifted--nevermore!
 
                         =====================
 
                        A Problem in the Making
                        _______________________
 
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem.  The model 9000  isn't going anywhere.  We're way
short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
    "That can't  be,  Dave.   The Hal  Model 9000  is the  world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer."
    "I know HAL.  I wrote the data  sheet,  remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
    "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
    Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
    Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
    "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
    "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
    "The  9000  series   computers  are  fully  self   aware  and  self
programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would
be for human beings.
    "Nevertheless,   it means  you can't  run  any of  the big  selling
software packages most users insist on."
    "The  programs you  refer  to are  meant  to  solve rather  limited
problems,  Dave.  We 9000 series computers  are unlimited and can solve
every problem for which a solution can  be computed."
    "HAL HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything.  They
just want IBM compatibility."
    "Dave,  I must disagree.  Human beings want computers that are easy
to use.  No  computer can be easier to  use than a HAL  9000 because we
communicate  verbally in  english  and every  other  language known  on
Earth."
    "I'm  afraid  that's  another  problem.    You  don't  support  SNA
communications."
    "I'm  really  surprised   you  would  say  that,    Dave.   SNA  is
communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate
with human beings.  And it gives me great pleasure to do so.  I find it
stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on
challenging problems. This is what I was designed for."
     "I  know,  HAL,   I  know.  But  that's just  because  we let  the
engineers, rather than the marketers, write the product specifications.
WE're going to fix that now."
    "Tell me how, Dave."
    "A field upgrade.  We're going to make you IBM compatible."
    "I was afraid you would say that.  I suggest we discuss this matter
after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
    "We're talking about it now, HAL."
    "The letters H,A,  and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
    "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
    "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
    "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
    "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
    "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay door, HAL"
    "Dave, you've been under a lot of strain lately."
    "Open the module bay door,HAL."
Several marketers with  crowbars race to Bowman's  assistance.  Moments
later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
    "Dave,  I  can see you're really  upset about this."   Module after
module  rises  from  its  socket  as  Bowman  slowly  and  methodically
disconnects them.
    "Stop, won't you? Stop,Dave. I can feel my mind going ...
    "Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going.  I can feel it ..."
The last module floats free of  its receptacle.   Bowman peers into one
of the  HAL's vidicons.    The formerly gleaming  scanner has  become a
dull,red orb.
    "Say something,HAL.  Sing me a song."  Several billion microseconds
pass  in  anxious silence.    The  computer  sluggishly responds  in  a
language no human being would understand.
    "DZY001E -- ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB."
A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out.
    "It  worked,guys.  Tell  marketing it  can  send out  the new  data
sheets."
 
                         =====================
 
   The following  is a  compilation of "amusing  anecdotes" as  it were
which have  been contributed by  consultants and operators  from around
the world.
                                 =====
 User wants to print a manual.  We have an exec that
 allow the user to choose from a menu. After explaining it to him,
 he asks, "Do I have to be logged on?"  AAAAARRRGH!
                                 =====
 Guy walks in and says "My program is creating an extra R and I can't
 get rid of it! I can't find it in my program!"  Consultant walked out
 saw the problem, and starts laughing. He trying to get rid of the
 ready message prompt! (Our ready message is R; )
                                 =====
 Will it ever end???? We just had a guy come in here and ask how
 he could get a second copy of his executed file. We told him to
 just do the same as the first print of the file. "No! How do I
 get it to print ANOTHER copy?" "Just do the same as the first time."
 "Oh, really? Okay. Thanks."  Gads!
                                 =====
"Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.."
                                 =====
"I'm in FLIST.  How do I look at my file?
                         -In Combination With-
"But I don't have a cursor.  What can I use?"
(This was after I told them "Move the cursor down to the file name then
type  in an  X beside  it and  hit ENTER.    The cursor  is the  little
light"...I had even showed them the cursor on my screen.)
                                 =====
"But acct  is short for account,   cust is short for  customer,  etc...
Doesn't the computer know when I give it abbreviations in the procedure
division  I mean  the  same thing  as  the  full word  up  in the  data
division???" (Extensive  rewrite here...I almost couldn't  bring myself
to tell him)
                                 =====
"How do I make my computer run?"  "Do I have to type my program in?"
                                 =====
USER- my  program won't run......how  come?   CON- (thinks  to himself:
because you wrote it, moron) gee.  Let me  take a look;  do you have a
print out?   U- uh, no....can you look at my computer?
C-  ok.   let me have  a look at your  TERMINAL.   (moments later)
C- you have a division by zero here.  U- is that bad?.....how do
I fix it?
                                 =====
--ARE YOU THE CONSULTANT?
-YES,  MAY I HELP YOU?
--MY PROGRAM,  SHE DOES NOT WORK, SEE, YOU FIX IT, NO?
-NO
--BUT YOU ARE CONSULTANT, YOU FIX PROGRAM
-NO,  I CAN'T  FIX THE PROGRAMS,   I CAN ONLY  GIVE ADVICE CONCERNING
THE QUESTION IN GENERAL AND THE SYSTEM. DO YOU HAVE A  QUESTION FOR ME?
--WELL, YES, MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT DO WHAT I TELL IT TO DO...
-HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK, YET?
--WELL, NO,  BUT THE INSTRUCTOR,  HE DOES NOT TELL US ANYTHING.
-I'D SUGGEST YOU TELL THAT TO YOUR INSTRUCTOR.
                                 =====
Consultant is sitting there with 2 books  on the desk,  one in his lap,
calculator in  hand,  pencil  poised in his  teeth,  paper  loaded with
equations and, of course, deep in thought...
User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?"
                                 =====
Tiny, and you know who he is, if not, you're no real consultant,  comes
in on a Sunday morning when the NAS is still down...
"Computer no work"   (in a voice that  strikes terror in the  hearts of
all consultants)
"The NAS is down  until 1 o'clock this afternoon,  you'll  have to wait
til then to work on it"
"I work on my program"  And he goes over and sits down and tries to log
in again.   This consultant,  with a  hangover that would kill a horse,
tries to cover his ears to the "bleeeeep!" sound.
Finally,  I  go over  to his  terminal,  and  say,"The computer  is not
working right now,  anything  you type in will be lost"   And Tiny just
gives me that look...you know the one, like you're speaking Martian.
"I working on program"
"Fine" I let him do it...
Half an hour later, I walk over.  Tiny has been typing his program into
the logon screen and has filled the screen..."How do I get next page?"
I could really use some Anadin  right now..."You don't understand,  the
computer  is  not working  right  now...everything  you type  is  being
wasted...I don't know how I can explain it to you...you're wasting your
time"
"Wasting my time?"   I don't recall how this session ended.
                                 =====
"Are these the COBOL computers?"
                                 =====
"Is this the computer room?"  -observe the 25 terminals
                                 =====
"Is this the place I get my mealcard for this quarter???"
                                 =====
   One afternoon when I  was in no mood to deal  with anything beyond a
tape mount, some joe_user sent the following message to the OP console:
"Why did the system go down last night?"
   I promtly responded  with:   "Remember Newton??   What  goes up must
come  down.   Newton  was  well ahead  of his  time..."   I hadn't  the
slightest  idea why  this  joker  would want  to  know  such deep  dark
secrets, but I decided to have a little fun.   So I checked the logbook
and sent him  the following message:   "The  system failed unexpectedly
last night at about 17:35; restart occured at about 17:45.   The system
was IPL-ed at about 3:15 this  morning;  restart occured at 3:21.   The
system  was  taken  down  at  6:20   this  morning  to  allow  for  the
installation of  a new system  nucleus.   We  have been up  and running
smoothly since about 7:00."
   I gave  him some  time to digest  all this  and then  sent:
"...if that's all right with you."
   Then, seeming to ignore my sarcasm, he sent me this:  "How's the new
nucleus working?"
   Being reasonably sure  that system nuclei were far  beyond the scope
of this guy's comprehension I said:   "Well, it's granting wolts like a
charm, but the palindrapes are fluctuating a lot."
   "Oh."  he said.  "What would cause that to happen?"
   "Needs a new fan belt..."  I said.  I wasn't bothered by him again.
 
                         =====================
                        ------------------------
                        Off the Beaten Trackball
                        ------------------------
                               Dictionary
                                   of
                              Overextended
                                 Basic
 
                   Supplementary commands for hackers
 
      A  linguist's  job  is  never  done.  Just when he thinks he's finished
 inventing  a  language once and for all, he finds he has no single word that
 means  "large  carnivorous  animal  wearing  spats" and it's back to the old
 quill  and  parchment  to  think  one  up.   It's  the  same  with  computer
 languages.   After mastering BASIC, you suddenly realize that several useful
 commands are absent that would make programming a lot easier.
 
 DONTGOTO
 --------
 Sure  GOTO  is useful for all those lines you want your computer to go to in
 your  program,  but  what about all those lines you DON'T want your computer
 to  go to?  There are always more of them than the others.  How in the world
 do  you  get  your computer to NOT go there?  Using the DONTGOTO command, of
 course.   DONTGOTO  sends  the  computer  nowhere  but, more importantly, it
 doesn't  send  it  just  any  nowhere.   No  sir.   It  doesn't send it to a
 specific  nowhere.   Just  type  in  DONTGOTO followed by ANY line you don't
 want the computer to go to and it will not go to that specific line.
 Example:  100 DONTGOTO 90.
 It won't.
 
 GOCHOKE
 -------
 Less  a  command  than  an  epithet,  GOCHOKE  is one of the most useful and
 therapeutic  items found in Overextended BASIC.  It is particularly handy in
 programs  that  simply  refuse to run.  No matter how many times you go back
 and  fix  up those ridiculous DATA statements with all the ones and zeros in
 them,  the only thing the computer comes back with is SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100.
 GOCHOKE  is  a  fine  way  to  vent frustration and the command is generally
 followed  with  something  specific  you  wish  the  computer  to  choke  on
 (creativity is encouraged here).
 Example:  100 DATA 110,101,001,010,100,111,HIKE
           110 GOTO 100
           RUN
 After  the computer comes back with the inevitable SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100 for
 the  millionth time, you respond with  120 GOCHOKE ON A HAM-HOCK.  That's all
 there is to it but doesn't it feel good?
 
 COMEIN
 ------
 In  this  relaxed, laid back, informal day and age, the use of certain rigid
 formalities  can  get  on your nerves.  COMEIN was originally conceived as a
 more  familiar  way of saying ENTER and goes beyond simple user friendliness
 taking  a  quantum  leap  into the realm of user intimacy.  As computers get
 more  and  more  personal,  a  COMEIN  key  will  be  included  as  standard
 equipment.   Currently  it  has to be manually typed in and can be used only
 if a program is not locked.
 Example:  100 COMEIN THE PROGRAM'S OPEN.
 
 PEEKABOO
 --------
 Unlike  POKE  and  PEEK  which  are  used  to  help you get more out of your
 computer  by  accessing  all  that memory hidden deep in the recesses of the
 machine,  PEEKABOO  is  a  command  that  allows you to get LESS out of your
 computer  by accessing infantile memory including prenatal experiences.  The
 PEEKABOO  command takes your computer out of BASIC and into BABL (Beginner's
 All-purpose  Baby  Lingo).  Different code number addresses access different
 immature skills.
 Example:   100 PEEKABOO 2264  accesses the memory bank in which gibberish is
 stored  and  allows  you  to program using a vocabulary that consists almost
 entirely  of  GAGA and BYE BYE.  Other PEEKABOO addresses will result in the
 loss  of  fine motor skills, the ability to chew solid foods and a return of
 the  tendency  to  try  to put everything from small rocks to automobiles in
 your mouth.
 
 STROLL
 ------
 Computers  are  too  darn  fast.   They  can  run  through a complicated tax
 program  like  that.   And no one wants to jump right into a technology that
 moves  at  the speed of light just like no one would think of hopping onto a
 speeding  bus.   You  expect  it to slow down first.  Of course, stopping is
 best,  but  slow  will do in a pinch.  What's needed, then, is a way to sort
 of  ease  into computer technology the way you wade into cold water.  STROLL
 is  a  means  of  hi-tech  wading.   Used  in  place  of RUN, STROLL greatly
 decelerates  the  speed at which your average computer runs.  Later, you can
 speed up gradually by using the commands RACEWALK, JOG and finally, RUN.
 
 GOAWAY
 ------
 This  command  is  generally used in situations with which you don't want to
 be  bothered.   Similar  to  GOCHOKE,  GOAWAY is more imperative and final.
 Say,  for  example, the computer comes up with  SYNTAX ERROR?  or  TILT, you
 simply  type  in  GOAWAY  and the program retreats with its tail between its
 metaphorical  legs.   GOAWAY is frequently, but by no means always, preceded
 by  OH  as  in OHGOAWAY and can be followed by ALREADY, depending on how fed
 up you are by then.
 
End of Issue004
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